"Troubles are a lot like people-they grow bigger if you nurse them."
(Author unknown)
Take a tip from the diet experts and start with a smaller plate. The average size of a dinner plate in the 1950s was 9 inches across. By the 80's it had grown to 11 inches and today the average dinner plate is a whopping 13 inches. Our appetite for information seems a direct reflection of our eating habits in both size and quality. While the number of fast food establishments was measured at almost 304,000[i] in 2009, a Google search for "internet news" earlier today returned 489 million results. If you want to know anything, you have to stop trying to know everything.
"I haven't purchased a newspaper in five years" said Tim Ferris, author of The Four Hour Work Week. He probably wrote that line lounging on a beach in Buenos Aires while gazillions were being direct deposited into his account from a business he built "not to bother him".
I like the simplicity of Seven Habits guru Steven Covey's approach. Draw two circles representing the sum total of your attention and notice where you "spend (meaning it will never c
ome back again) your time". You are given 20,000 moments[ii] each day to spend as you choose. Au contraire you say, my boss chooses what I pay attention to or you could blame it on your children, volunteer activities, latest celebrity gossip or the undeniable need to know the latest scores of your favorite curling team. No matter where you place your attention these are all still your choices. You might also interject the requirements of law enforcement as in following the obligatory "rules of the road". Speed limits, stop lights and especially school zones (I know this from recent personal experience) all "demand" your attention. But then again you are the one who chose to drive instead of taking the bus. You are also the one who chose to live where you live.
When given the choice between house size and commute time, most will choose the longer commute failing to consider the time cost of the attention required. A recent study found that when a person travels more than one hour in each direction, he has to make 40% more money to be as "satisfied with life" as the person with a shorter commute. 3.5 million Americans spend more than three hours each day traveling to and from work. [iii] I would suggest that this "Communal Commuting Commiseration" (The Three C's of traffic) is not the result of our chosen mode of transportation or where we locate our home, but where we locate our attention.
My cross country commutes are often long, arduous, and increasingly unreliable. They are also my greatest sources of new material. As I look in the back of the book I just referenced I see notes I had written about my new friend Gayle. We shared adjoining seats on Horizon flight 2593, the Friday evening flight from Portland to Boise. She was on her way from Salem to spend time with her grandkids, which she did without fail every other weekend. In our ensuing conversation I learned that she had been a life-time special education teacher and (as opposed to most teachers I know) she loved it. When I asked why she enjoyed her chosen profession she replied that she liked "being a part of children's lives" throughout their elementary years, unlike other teachers who have kids for just one year or class. When I asked for an example she told me about being approached by a coworker earlier that week to help with a young first grader. We will call him Zander. Part of her role was to be a resource for troubled children throughout the school and not just her own class. The teacher had noticed that Zander had recently become very depressed, sullen and withdrawn, even sharing that he thought his parents didn't like him.
Gayle shared that their community had been hit hard by the recession. Those that didn't have much to start with now had even less. It put a strain on everyone. The two teachers decided to focus on where they could make a difference, their circle of influence. They would use every opportunity to recognize and appreciate Zander by putting their observations on index cards. Three days after starting this process Zander was asked to meet his teacher in the hallway where 28 cards had been lined up end to end forming a line extending toward the principal's office. Zander read every card as his teacher reminded him of the moment she observed each particular behavior. The cards praised things like participating in class, holding the door for another student, or one I might have earned - coloring "mostly" on the page. When he reached the very last one his teacher told him "when these cards reach all the way down to the office we are going to have an ice cream party with the principal and all the office staff."
Gayle was quick to remind me that this was just the beginning and they could not lose sight of the process even when they began to make progress. (Re-read that last sentence and ask yourself; how often do you lose sight of the process when you begin to make progress?) Who do you think benefitted most from those cards? Was it the student who received them, or the teacher who took her time, focused her attention and found reasons to write them? What if you applied this idea to your next commute? Not the writing the card part, or you may experience why texting causes three times more impairment than driving under the influence[iv], but the looking for reasons to appreciate the process.
I like to run. Sometimes it is easy, effortless and over before I know it. Other times I would rather be chewing broken glass. Every step is an effort and my feet feel like they weigh 20 pounds each. The problem is not the cold, lack of sleep or advancing age, but misdirected attention. There are many motivations that keep me on the road. In fact I thought this morning, May 21, 2010 when it was a balmy 35° as I stepped out the door at 5:45 AM, that I would like to print shirts featuring a giant 120. 120 is the approximate age we should aspire to live if, like animals, our life expectancy is five times the length it takes our body to mature. My life expectancy should actually be longer since I was close to thirty before reaching puberty. Unfortunately the chronological advantages are most likely counterbalanced by the psychological damage of my prolonged prepubescense, but I will save those stories for another time.
Additional tools I use to stay motivated are my Garmin 305 GPS watch, BlackBerry Storm and Bluetooth headset. The BlackBerry allows me to listen to books on tape and answer important calls, while my Garmin tracks speed, heart rate, elevation, route and calories which are all downloaded to my computer for totals and comparison. I have listened to many of my audio books dozens of times and they continue to stimulate new ideas and the Garmin reports quantify the benefits of my daily excursions.
Each of these examples is an exercise in attention. If you want to control your life you first have to control your attention. Be brutally honest. The next time someone asks you how you are doing, avoid the temptation to regurgitate the obligatory "great, never better" bull. Instead tell the truth, I have been wasting my life ticked off about things I'll never change and excited about trivia that makes no difference. If you are afraid this tact may leave you friendless and alone, you are probably right. Most people are so immersed in their delusions that real honesty will seem like a foreign language. If you prefer a more subtle approach you can continue to play "pretend" with others while being honest with yourself. Honesty is NOT judgment. There is no benefit in judging another especially yourself. The search for honesty is simply a quest for more accurate awareness. We will never arrive in a land that lacks all delusion, but the journey is amazing.
Nothing can stop a man who is willing to be honest with himself, about himself.
( I can't find the author, but I love the phrase)
Ideas in Action
1. Stop feeding on mental junk food. Turn off the news, cancel the paper and politely refuse to listen to the complaints of others.
2. Watch your mouth. This is one of those "mother told you" things that you can control. In the Four Agreements Don Miguel Ruiz uses the phrase, "Be impeccable with your word. Don't use your words against yourself or others." This alone WILL change your life.
3. Notice your self-jabber. Nobody talks to you more than you do. Remember you feel the way you feel because you think the way you think. If you want to feel differently, think differently.
4. Develop your own system for recognizing and encouraging others. Steven Covey used the example of putting ten dimes in your front pocket and moving one dime to the opposite pocket each time you catch someone doing something well.
5. Treat your attention like an endangered species. If you don't take control and "manage your moments" they will be exploited by others.
6. Awareness is the answer. Don't jump up and try to act differently. Simply becoming aware of where you are "investing your attention" will help you be different. Lasting transformation always comes from within. Doing something for someone for someone else or because of someone else is at best temporary and at worst fraudulent.
7. Make more mistakes. Our education system rewards achievement when it should be rewarding effort. The ONLY way you ever learn is by making mistakes (How We Decide, Jonah Leherer). As Tom Peters says in step eight, Fail, Forward, Fast.
[i] IBIS World, Industry Code: 72221, Apr 16 2010,
[ii] Nobel prize-winning psychologist Daniel Khaneman
[iii] How We Decide, John Lehrer Page 145
[iv] Australian News, September 19, 2008